No Hope Left, none but the tiniest flickering flame

I’ve been listening to lots of Anberlin lately. My awesome roommate Alicia introduced me to them ages ago, and I have always liked them but I only started listening to them consistently when I needed something to pound rythm in my ears while running. If you know anything about Anberlin, it fits the ticket quite nicely. They have this song called Foreign Langauge that has struck a chord with me recently. You can listen to it here, but be forewarned it is an alternative rock group so some of you may want to turn your speakers down. 🙂

Anyway part of the chorus goes:

Boys speak in rythm and girls speak in code

and later: You’re speaking foreign language, nothing I can dictate / you’re speaking foreign language / nothing I can translate / you’re speaking foreign language / Where did we go wrong? / We need medication for this miscommunication / where did we go wrong? / Our conversation’s weakened / conversation’s weakened

Most of you know that while at college I dated an awesome guy named Anthony. At first, everything was perfect, I mean literally, it was wonderful. Towards the end though, it was like we couldn’t communicate, and I think he was so fed up with my needy-ness that he was trying to avoid me which made communicating even more difficult. I was startled when I listened to this song and really heard the lyrics. At first I thought that Anberlin said boys speak in rythm and girls in “chords,” which was almost unsettling in its truthfulness.

My friend Ghena once told me that her husband asks her what she’s thinking on level one and then two and three. Because most guys say exactly what they want and mean the first time, and there isn’t a need for a commentary to explain what they are trying to get across. Women, on the other hand, often say no when they mean yes, I’m fine when they mean I’m falling apart, and very often there multiple layers to even the simplest statements. I know this was definitely true in my relationship with Anthony and I see now why I got so frustrated when he didn’t pursue what I really meant to say. He probably had no idea I meant something other than the specific words he heard. So when he just wanted me to say straight out what I wanted, I was skirting hte subject, expecting him to pick up clues and put the puzzle together.

Why didn’t someone say this to me sooner? Poor Anthony was hearing a foreign language and I was expecting him to figure it out. It’s ridiculous. I wish I had heard this song and been convicted sooner–maybe I wouldn’t have destroyed a person if I had seen what I was doing. And now, even when I am realizing things and seeing my sin and figuring out that it wasn’t just you, it was me to… even now there isn’t any hope. It’s all to late. Hope, like a candle is snuffed out. Not easily, of course, the wick still glows a bright smoldering orange. The wax is still hot and runny but it will harden soon enough and then, it really will be over.

So here is the only thing I can think to do anymore. A sort of public apology and a little warning to my friends who are dating. Just talk. And be a little more honest than I was. Especially girls. And guys, if she’s not communicating well, or you have no idea what you said wrong, say so. Don’t be angry, because that won’t help, but for goodness sake, tell her you need a translation. I think that most married couples I know were somehow let in on this secret, but why wasn’t I? Maybe my engaged friends have it figured out too and that’s how they made it so far. Why didn’t someone tell me this, or if they did, why didn’t they communicate it a little more poetically?–maybe then I would have clued in sooner.


Saya sangat sangat menyesal. Aku tahu kau tidak ingin bicara dengan saya, dan itu masuk akal. Tapi aku rindu padamu. Saya berharap saya bisa mengubah keadaan, aku memikirkan Anda sepanjang waktu. Aku sangat sedih kita tidak bisa membuat segalanya berjalan. Kalau saja kita punya. Sungguh, aku lakukan.


boys speak in rythm, and girls just lie.


One response

  1. Oh Sara, I wish it was easy to discern when to let somethign go and when to fight for it, right? I have been there, and it’s awful when you don’t know what the other side is thinking anymore, and you don’t know if you have a right to know.

    Ahh… communication. Particularly in conflict, communication is hard. It isn’t just guy/girl stuff, it’s also just personalities and families and how you’ve been taught to communicate. When I’m feeling distant or unloved or angry, I withdraw, I don’t explain myself… the best thing for me to do at that point is to write to Isaac and try to explain it to him and then we can talk it out. Isaac lives in the moment, so he doesn’t carry the emotion like I do. Anthony might though, he’s a different personality.

    My heart is heavy for you – the loneliness after breaking up with someone who holds your heart is awful.

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