Dear Kacie. and Jana. and Naomi. and Robb. and Twaan. and Daniel.

Do you have this issue?

lately, I have been kind of okay with being state side. Last night I had a great evening with some newfound friends. And tonight I am going to a game night with some other people from church. Last night I had a great conversation with this guy named Mike and another with Tim, and even Holly. Last Sunday I chatted with Jason over lunch with the set up/tear down crew and loved it. I have friends, all of a sudden. And I have a job that is bearable even if I’m not in love with it.

I could almost see myself living here for a long time. Moving into a tiny, run down apartment with crazy neighbours and having dinner parties. Baking for everyone in the building and raising kids in not enough space. Driving a stick shift on well paved highways, not worrying about riots and bombings. I could work with the dying church so full of politics it can’t see it’s way in the broad daylight. Living cheaply and giving lavishly.

But I also want to live so far away from here. In the highlands, doing the wash in the icy streams with the other village women. Hiding behind a dupatta and feeling the swish of the shalwar qameez as it blows in the wind. I want to drive on rocky hills, staring down into the deep chasms of mountains as we careen around corners, without wearing seatbelts, listening to the chatter of the drivers. And I want to hold the hands of gap toothed children, smell pig roasting and watch the blood of the carcass run down the uneven stones of the village center while the men crouch and jabber about the roast.

It’s this awkward tension. Not knowing what I want, or where to go.

What am I supposed to do? Wait until there’s a burning bush down the road? Stay and assume that this is it? This is it? But please, God, don’t let this be it. Should I finish my application? Pack up and move to Manila? Take a step and just hope that this is where it could be, at least for a little while?

Do you have this funny pull in such opposing directions?

Do you know what to do?

Because I don’t.


2 responses

  1. Well yes. I solve this problem by reassuring myself that if we ever have to make that decision, isaac’s career will basically make it for us and I won’t have to decide myself. 🙂 But really, i think you can do both. going overseas sometime doesn’t take away the American life – you’ll spend years here even if you do go overseas. 🙂

  2. Lame. I don’t have the option of not deciding and having someone else’s job decide for me. 😦

    Today at church my pastor talked about the problem of pursuing God’s will rather than pursuing God himself. Um, kind of spoken right to my heart.

    He also said to just get up and do something. So I am going to finish applying for Manila. And we’ll be in touch. Because Central Asia still beckons; even (or especially) after the Philippines.

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