off the facebook recently:

“I keep telling myself that this didn’t surprise God. He’s not up there going ‘NO! Shoot! Gabriel, get over here! Look at THIS! What is going ON?!’ which is good… but waiting=sucky.”

which cracks me up, because I thought this at work today during a conversation with a friend (over texting… I’m a bad employee). That when I severely jack up things in my life (which I have done recently, on a grand scale) God isn’t freaking out in Heaven. He’s not panicking. “AH! What is she DOING?! I did NOT see this coming.”

In fact, I think he’s sort of chuckling. Like, “alright, honey. I knew this was going to throw you for a loop. And it ain’t gonna be a fun one, but don’t worry. It’s under control, and I’ve got it aaaall worked out. You just hang on tight for a bumpy ride.”

and bumpy it is.

aurora to parker on four hours sleep

Last night, thanks to lightning and tornado warnings, Joy’s flight was delayed in arriving from Oklahoma via Arizona. It was already going to be a late night after City Group. Joy wasn’t due at DIA until 1015 the first time around which meant my not arriving to a warm bed until at least 11pm. But that wasn’t so bad, it can be managed once in a while, and Joy is certainly worth it. But when she texted me last night at 9pm saying they hadn’t taken off and would get an update in an hour… well I was a little concerned. Finally, after some time in the cell phone lot, a few circles around the terminal and a ridiculous wait in a one lane pick-up at arrivals after every single flight arrived at the same time creating a good deal of chaos: I had Joy in hand and we were headed home.

I slept at Ghena’s to make up 20 minutes commute last night. Thank God for gracious friends who function well on late notice. There was a heater on in my basement apartment, a light out front to welcome me home and freshly changed sheets coated in a sweet linen spray that lulled me to sleep at 130AM. I don’t think I heard Jonathan come to the basement to check the stocks this morning, don’t even think I knew the world existed until my phone was vibrating beside me, shouting at me to get out of bed at 550.

I showered, dried, dressed, ate and bustled out of the ranch style house at 635, amazed at how quickly everything had come together. Thadean didn’t walk in on me in the bathroom this morning, and I didn’t feel too much in Jonathan’s way as he ate his oatmeal, and Ghena had left me a note that said I was welcome always and to help myself to whatever. I jumped in my car, with my three precious gallons of gas purchased in emergency last night, just off the highway at a fine price of near $3 a gallon. And I zoomed out to Chambers, eager to join the traffic headed south.

I was racing past a yellow light when I looked at my spedometer. There were people waiting on the side of the road for a bus and I was rushing past at 55mph in a 35zone. I sucked in my breath and tapped the brakes, downshifting to 4th and watching traffic speed past me. A big burgundy dodge decided to tailgate me down the road to Parker but I just didn’t care. I wanted to go fast, sure. I wanted to be on time to work, of course. But I wasn’t going to risk a ticket. Not when I’m saving pennies to move out and have a kitchen of my own to bake vanilla tarts with nutmeg crust and spiced pears. I watched a green volkswagen bug pass me, its bright colour streaking by in a blurr. Damn nazis, I thought, too efficient, and watch me be passed over by a snotty little car like that.

Which was funny, or ironic in a sense. Because I was swearing at a car that I would follow all the way, while being totally self righteous about my own driving habits. And not just my driving habits, but also the fact htat today I’m probably going to be a little impatient with a small child who will disobey just because she doesn’t know any better and I’ll probably be a little snippy by the time she’s going to bed. So who has the greater sin? The lime green bug who just wants to arrive on time and is willing to break driving laws to do it? Or me, who will obey the laws (a little) but put a child in bed earlier to suit my own selfish desires?

which is a rather ridiculous way of saying.. lately I’ve been mulling sin around in my head and I’ve been reminded. Sin isn’t equal. Most evangelicals think it is “because all sin separates us from God.” And that’s true. But come on. Murder is not the same as a Salem disobeying me tonight. It just isn’t.

And I think I had something slightly more intelligent to say. But I’m on four hours sleep here, and worked two jobs today, and I have a fricking cold that getting worse. And I should just stop typing probably, and go to bed.

[there’s this girl, she was made for me. she stood me up our weddin’ day. and now that girl runs around on me, she’s drunk all the time. cause Lord, she’s crooked deep down. everyone is crooked deep down. and Lord, i’m crooked deep down. everyone is crooked deep down.]