self discovery number 2:
well, it’s not so much a discovery, because I’ve known this for a while. But this is something that I lately have found more troublesome and am struggling to find a cure for. (as though all things can be cured like bronchitis, yeah..right…)
I struggle with prayer.
Probably because I’m not a one track mind kind of person. Right now, I”m thinking about the lighting, whether or not I should turn the air down and wondering if Ghena and Jonathan would mind that I’m still at their house should they come walking in the door right now. I’m also considering moving that bread dough to a better spot so it’ll rise faster. And in the midst of this, I’m wrestling over Holly, Nick, David and maybe even Brett. I’ve been trying to pray for them all afternoon, and I keep saying the same words, over and over and over.
And I’m so easily distracted!
Today, the only time I seemed to ba able to focus was when I was mixing that dough, rolling it out, digging through cupboards for rosemary and thyme in a poorly thought out experiment. Maybe because the house is silent and somewhat dim, my mind wasn’t running over ever toe print on the wood floors, or the water stains on the counter. I just measured, sifted, mixed and pounded out those frustrations while I kneaded. Maybe it is because making bread is rhythmic and I was alone so I spoke aloud. Maybe because David Crowder was playing a few minutes before (and then I reluctantly returned to the deafening silence) and he thanked Jesus for finding him. For loving him. For saving him.
Maybe, sometimes, in my struggle to pray, I simply try too hard. Maybe I just need to rest a little bit, ask the Spirit to slow my mind and calm my fluttering heart and remind me that I am loved. I’ve made mistakes–a few more recently might be considered almost monumental–but I have been saved, I am loved, I have been found.
And now, I can scrub counters, match socks and ask Jesus to find a few other people too.
But I’m still thinking about where I could put the dough and socks! shoot son! My laundry’s probably done. I should go check on that…