at home, enjoying secrets

#6 I want to tell the world, but I want to enjoy the delicious secret myself for a while, just me and Jesus.

I have made some decisions recently. Or, perhaps more accurately, I am in the process of making some decisions. They’ll be coming down the pipeline. It’s a rather large leap of faith which I’m not entirely comfortable with. Ah, but therein lies the beauty. I think I am going to enjoy the uncertainty, and I am sort of loving the way it’s up in the air. Last time I did this the options were: married/engaged/waiting; Colorado/Idaho/Washington; employed/poor/in debt; preparing for overseas/waiting/leaving/staying.

and now, while some of those options have entirely dissolved (think: Idaho, married, etc)… some still hold true and some are taking shape and some are where I am at (Colorado) but from where I am about to jump into the great unknown of God’s providence and perfect timing. Lord have mercy, I’m going to trust Him and I think we’re off for a somewhat whirlwind adventure.

And while I want to tell the whole wide world what I think I’m about to do… I also want to keep it to myself. Like Mary, I want to treasure up these things, these moments, these glimpses of glory. I want to gather them in and hold them together and marvel over them–at least for a few days. And then I think I will just burst with the excitement and tell the world.

and I just have to give a shout out to Abby H. Because yesterday at work she teared up during our one on one and we had to hug when no one was looking (except Charles, who sees and hears most everything). And her sweet heart shaped face was sort of pink and her eyes were bright with the salt water and her bangs kept falling across her forehead and I kept thinking that I have been blessed so incredibly, so immeasurably, to have her as a friend. So thanks Abby. I’m glad we’re friends despite my quirks, despite my inability to tell you about my super awesome friend Jesus who I want to share with everyone. I don’t know why I stumble over the words when we talk about him. It’s like I don’t know why I stumbled over the words when Nick would text me (and eventually forget me). Perhaps because there is beauty in the fumbling for proper expression, and perhaps because the lack of ability to speak is somehow the essence of what needs to be expressed. And mostly, I am just glad you hugged me and said you were happy for me, and that you believe in me, and that your eyes welled up and we both had to sort of giggle and part ways to keep from bursting into tears–before you came back and said “god, I don’t care if we’re at work, I have to hug you!” And then you wrapped your arms around me and squeezed and whispered that I’d do great.

which is a round about way of saying… I think I know what I might be doing. I think I have a goal. I think I know where I am going. And it’s a roundabout way of saying: stay tuned. more is coming.


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