formidable weariness

#7 I despise feeling helpless.

This weekend I watched a friend’s six adorable children, all of whom are under the tender age of 8. I have never prayed for patience so much. I have never been so infuriated by a messy cabinet (I officially loathe all sizes and shapes of tupperware and cups with lids that are similar but not quite right). I have never been so completely confronted by my own sense of selfishness. I have never been so aware of my depravity. I have never, in all my life, known why the hymnal declares “I need Thee every hour.” That is, until this weekend.

Today I snapped at a coworker over something meaningless. Or perhaps, something that I simply apply meaning and value to despite the fact that there is no need for such value. I snapped that college and motherhood are not mutually exclusive, and not only that but I told her that her views on education and being a stay at home mom are narrow minded. frick.

Today I found out that a dear friend ended her relationship with a boy I once thought that she was destined for. And the worst part is, I’ve encouraged this relationship, I wanted to see it succeed, and I believed that in some small way the healing of my friend’s bruised heart could be experienced in this relationship. That God could work through this boy to reach out to her and mend her and reassure her of his love, by the manifestation of love through another broken human being.

Today I received an email from a friend who I think I am losing. But the worst part is this deafening realization that I may never have had him in the first place. I may have always been a project, a subject for conversion. Did I have meaning to you except to be another member?

Today another married customer hit on me. That’s three. And that doesn’t count the single guys, or the ones who never say anything but prefer to leer through the windows while I blush in the awkwardness of each situation and rush through their transactions so that I may send them away. Go home to your wives! Go home to your families! Leave me be!

I’m tired of the world, Abba. I want to go home. I’m tired of feeling helpless, wearied by the hypocrisy in my own life and mirrored back at me by those who surround me.

I want someone to go home to, true. I want someone to love and cherish. But mostly I want you. Because everyone else is so messy, and I with them.

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