the wrong kind of grey

self discover #15, I’m easily discouraged


Today is sort of cloudy outside which would normally make me jump for joy because I love grey clouds especially when they come bearing rain or snow. Let’s be honest, I picked SPU for college because I (1) thought that God wanted me there and (2) because it rains. Mostly, number two. I don’t mind walking to class and sitting in desks with my jeans soaked halfway up the calf. I don’t mind the way my hair curls in the humidity. I don’t mind the mundane hours in the library spent staring out at dusty skies. I love splashing in puddles and running in the mist and sitting on wet benches at Marshall Point to watch the ferries make their crossing.

But today, I think it is a bad day to be cloudy. Do you ever have those days that just seem to unravel at the seams?

I had an argument with a really good friend last night.

I hardly slept because the room at my parent’s house is so freaking dry.

I slept half the day away.

I’m bored.

I didn’t go to a friend’s last night because I was worn out by people (though that would have probably been encouraging to my heart).

I’m sick.

My fricking visa still hasn’t arrived.

I miss Ashland.

I miss TrailMark.

I miss you yelling “go Diesel! get ‘er!”

I miss Kelsie. Lots.

And I had to turn down plans to go to the White Rose Gala for New Years because I don’t have the money.

The last few days had been really good until this afternoon. I was feeling like I might pull it together with God. I saw Chronicles of Narnia and I was reminded of who I want to be. I was actually starting to feel like that person again, in a new and refreshed way. And then last night, I cornered myself in the basement for alone time which turned into internet TV time which, while relaxing, wasn’t what I needed. And this morning dawned a slow and lazy grey. And I was sick. And I just thought, well hang it all.

I don’t understand what makes us so easily discouraged? Why are we creatures of such shallow reserves? I don’t understand how the right combination of just a few mis-spoken words and a bit of a runny nose can work to make us so frustrated and almost gloomy? I’m not sue if there’s a remedy for this. I think there must be, is it just a choice to buck up and be okay?

Well, I’ve got to run and go get Joy at the airport. Perhaps she and her parents will be cheerful. I can’t imagine them any other way… Maybe Jesus knew what he was doing when he delayed their flight?


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