what is that on the 24 hour clock? 0.27?
anyway. I had dinner with Molly tonight and we watched the Bachelor. We also talked quite a bit. She was sort of sleepy tonight I think, she said it was slow at work today and sometimes I think the slow days are the hardest. I was pretty tired too, after a roundhouse fight this afternoon that culminated in more tears than I thought I had left. But it was easy to be with her, slouching on the couch as we watched Brad make decisions between three women who are all “falling in love” with him as he is with them. It’s this weird, messed up idea that we can wittle down between choices for a mate one week, one elimination round at a time. Weird.
I told Molly tonight that I’m a mess. I haven’t said that outloud to anyone except my folks and Ghena in a while. I sat at the counter in the kitchen watching her wash up the dishes and said she needed to know what she was getting into. I’m a hot mess. I don’t even know how I got here. She smiled at me a little and nodded. I can’t imagine Molly b eing in the position where I’ve found myself, but I think she understands all the same. She said she wants accountability, and she wants to offer me that too. I sighed with relief. Yeah. That’s all I want anymore.
I had to look up the word punitive today. I couldn’t remember what it meant. Required? or having to do with punishment? Somedays my vocab is a little off kilter. It means having to do, or being concerned with punishment. Caleb read from a children’s Bible yesterday to lead us into communion. He read about Passover. “The lamb dies, so we don’t have to.”
I always hear things put so theologically: that the lamb and the shedding of blood represents the atonement or the penal substitution of the lamb and eventually Jesus on our behalf.
I thought it was rather beautiful to be told that the lamb died so I didn’t have to.
I really should, you know.
Here’s a confession. In the last month I decided that I didn’t want to be the elder brother, instead I wanted to be the younger son. I walked away. I think I have wanted to walk away many times before, but in the past month I was afforded the opportunity to do so. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted to be in the world, I wanted to experience all the pretty shiny things the world has to offer. But the veneer comes off.
I had a friend speak sternly to me on Thursday.
And it was like my eyes were opened. Where previously there had been no regret, there was now aching remorse. Where once there had been an illusory sense of freedom, I now felt the shackles of sin. Where previously there existed a sensational feeling of pleasure, I knew suddenly the searing frustration and disgust that wondered who I was becoming.
I don’t want to walk away, always. I didn’t over the weekend. But somewhere, in the power of Christ, I stood strong and I held my ground. It wasn’t me, for sure. It won’t ever be enitrely me, or only me, or partially me. I think the only part of me that exists in the struggle to abandon the world and her seductive lies is that which must be put down to death. I want to do right. Not in a rules keeping sense. I just want to be me again. I miss me. I miss who I was in You.
I said to Molly that I’m a mess. I think I should tell You too. And then, when I’ve admitted, is it okay to ask to be filled? I’ve never asked that. I’m pretty empty and broken and in all sorts of shards. But I’d like to be filled up in You. I think that would be nice. Would You like to come and make some space in here? I think it needs dusting. And we both know it needs vacuuming. I don’t like vacuuming. I rather despise it….but I’d let You do that, if You’d like to come and make a home with me.