feelings

tonight I am feeling bizarrely overwhelmed…and yet at peace.

it’s almost midnight, and I should be in bed. But instead, I’m kneeling on the floor at Ethan’s computer which is sitting on my bed, and I’m prattling away on the internet.

Yesterday I went hiking in the mountains. It doesn’t seem like yesterday. It seems like months and months ago. It was so good–the long drive over the Rockies that led us into the higher desert looking land on the Western side. The short steep climb to Hanging Lake where we sat and stood and waded and felt the peace of God on a cliff side shelf away from the heavy weight of the world below. The tunnels through which I always screamed–even Eisenhower, with its winding curves and signs that shout to not change lanes or speed or really do anything reckless at all. I yelled at the top of my lungs and laughed and cried when I was gasping for air. But I’m a Franks by half and the tunnel gods need to be pleased so I hollered out the window like we did in PGH when we were children.

It was a good day of hiking. It was refreshing. Something I find my soul needs more and more frequently as I delve farther into a topsy turvy schedule. There are days I leave at 640AM and don’t get home till 11PM. I scurry from one job to the next, and I do homework in between while children are napping, or cars are being fixed, or I’m eating a solitary meal of almond butter on tortillas. I find myself harried and stressed but well assured that this will all get done and things are as they should be. Still, I need mountain air and roaring waters.

Tonight, as I am kneeling at the computer which isn’t mine, I keep thinking that I’ll one day be free of all this. Sometime, in a distant future, I’ll have a PhD. I’ll teach and lead a settled, well ordered life. Perhaps I’ll be married and have children. Or perhaps I’ll live alone but I’ll have people over all the time and laugh and play while we eat delicious food like brie and crackers or stuffed mushrooms or pinwheels or brik…or something. But I’ll have a schedule and I’ll have free time and I’ll have some consistency and days will look similar rather than erratic and confusing.

And then, as a siren howls down the highway just beyond the parking lot, and a baby is crying in the courtyard while someone sings over him…I laugh and think to myself,

I doubt a day of consistency will ever really come.

 

{and somewhere deep down, I think I am alright with that}

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s