WHY: nothing

Today, I have absolutely nothing left. I told a friend at school that I’m stressed already this semester and he responded quite bluntly by telling me I’m just a stressed individual. He said it was good because it motivates me to get things done. Perhaps. Maybe I am a stressed person. I take on too much, I don’t know how to relax.

Either way, it’s been a long week (and it’s only Wednesday) I’ve spent most of today on the verge of tears (big deal for ms. strong-no-problems-ever), I’m behind in two classes, I can’t seem to get a grip on my emotions or anxiety and I just really wish I could see E and have him put his arms around me, telling me to stop doing homework and reminding me to just sit and enjoy not only his presence but God’s.

Moments like this are frustrating and disappointing. I’m not supposed to be this weak, easily defeated person. I’m supposed to be strong! I know Jesus, I should always be satisfied! I have a great and powerful Abba who cares for me, so I shouldn’t worry or be anxious about anything but should cast my cares on him!

Instead, I feel lonely despite sitting with friends in class, tempted to turn my affections on all the wrong things and completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

But I am learning, that in moments like these, I’m not the only one who struggles and that God doesn’t seem to mind. He just comes alongside and reminds me to rest in Him and then to speak truth to my soul. So I do. It isn’t always immediate relief. But it seems to help. Because in moments like these, I have to fight to turn my attention off myself and onto the One who settles all things and will bring it together for good.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Saviour and my God. {Ps 42}

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